The thing I must never say
by Suffering Angel
Summary: Never Ask. Never Answer. And above all else, never ever say that word. Those were the rules they set when they began their relationship, consisting on everything other than emotions. But when their anniversary comes, will that be enough? HoroRen, dark


I don't own Shaman King, plot or characters.

A/N: POVs switch between Ren's and HoroHoro's, with the end switching between third person pov and theirs, mutual pov at the end. Hope this clears things up.

**Warnings: **Nothing too detailed but love-making mentioned between two males and the consequences on the, er, bed. Figure out yourself what it means.

_**The Thing I must never say**_

–

**R**

–

It's not often in my life that I've known true peace.

Mine is the blood of those who live in the darkness, who patiently and silently gather their strength for the one day in which they could crush their enemies and all those who have ever done them wrong.

Mine is the blood which lives for one goal and one goal alone.

Mine is the blood which flows for revenge.

Inside my family, exhibited emotions were scarce, forbidden even, and so from an early age I learned that if it was anything, then… _that emotion_… was bad.

Needless to say, then, that romance is useless as far as I'm concerned.

–

I love telling that to myself as I lay here like this, inside what I can only describe as a womb. All around me is softness and warmth, the kind of warmth only the human body can generate, and save for my own, another lies here with me. Yes, there is another beside me and as I become mentally aware of this the bed is suddenly too hot and suffocating and I surprise myself by going along with my better judgment and against the rather pathetic pleads of my body, deciding I need some fresh air.

I know I shouldn't. God help me if I know why I did. I have absolutely no apparent reason to do so, my body yells at me, but nonetheless I push myself up, like I have so many times before.

I get up and leave the safety and comfort of this nest which is my bed, this cocoon made of the finest silks and limbs, strong, long limbs belonging to the man that I… that I have shared a bed with for the past several months now.

No, my Inner Self chuckles evilly at me, crossing his arms in the most superior and annoying way he knows.

Several months it may be, but those several months have slowly yet surely made up a year.

One whole year…

My fists clench as I refrain from reaching out to him. He's calling out my name in his sleep, trying to reach out for me, see with his hands what he cannot with his closed eyes. I make the mistake of reaching back and letting us touch, gently guiding his hand to his side of the bed. He calms down enough for me to make my escape, making my exit into the night's air as swiftly and as silently as I can. I'm hit by the cold breeze and let it try and calm the heat from the night's earlier events, still burning passionately through my very soul. God, how I l…

…

He and I have danced this dance many times before. We aren't strangers to each other's bodies, and as a result, to our own. Somehow, however, it never gets old for us. No matter how many times we do it, he can still surprise me, still excite me, still show me exactly how little it is I know about him… how every time we do it I end up screaming his name and beg for more time and again.

One year and all I know about him is that I don't know a thing, huh?

But it's alright this way, I reckon from my safe place, now all alone on the balcony.

I don't need to know. I'm better off not knowing.

So what if not knowing is the same as being alone?

–

**H**

–

I saw it coming.

I always do, he just doesn't seem to know it.

It's like an inner clock he has there, telling him right when I'm in the better part of a dream – usually about him – and that's the exact moment in which his body suddenly stirs awake and he gets up and about, like he had so many, many times before.

How many times now, I wonder?

I don't know.

I lost count a long, long time ago.

I moan and I groan as I usually do when he pulls that one on me, but before the low rumble at the back of my throat can escalate to anything more he surprises us both by gently guiding my hand back to safety, only then making his escape. It really is a shock, let me tell you; it's the first time he made contact this way and we both know instantly what a mistake it was, for so many reasons.

Bottom line, however – I know he's gone. Ran away, to be precise. He knows I know.

And then a sudden breeze fills the room and I bury myself just a tad more in the blankets before it fully registers I should probably get up and look for him – but not just yet.

He's still not far enough out of sight.

Instead, I shift around a bit, feeling all over the consequences of our earlier act –

The messy dirty sheets covered with so much substance I know even if I tried I wouldn't be able to tell what's whose;

The smell… the electricity in the air having not yet diminished enough even after we both collapsed, spent and drained and… happy?

That dull, buzzing content pain in the back, and the odd, tingly warm sensation out front and center.

It was rather violent tonight.

We both have had issues for quite a while now, and I guess it all escalated now that we've been together as long as we have.

…

"Together".

Can you even call this "Together"?

Not knowing a thing about the other, heaven forbids asking…

You'd think we hate each other's guts if all you did was look from a far.

Then again, maybe that's the way things are.

I mean, I'm this close in and I have my doubts.

I wonder…

Maybe…

So does he?

–

**R**

–

Even I am amazed that not only do I remember how it all began, but that even now, I catch myself pondering it ever so often.

He's clueless, of course.

We didn't mean too much to each other back then, I guess. Even now, no matter how much I think about it, I can't find too much of a deep, hidden meaning to what we're doing.

We were both needing, both of us lonely… both of us idiotic enough to trust the other.

Trust him not to expect anything out of this.

Deep down we both did, though. That's why we're both idiots.

Even shamans are human beings, as much as I like denying that fact.

We were alone back then, alone, cold, and hungry for something neither of us had. I'm not sure we have it, even now, but we can somehow compromise, seeing how the other somehow manages to keep his own problems away for us. At least that's what I'm doing. He never was one to share too much. I guess that neither was I.

To be honest, I never once thought it would mean what it did, but it all came so naturally, to the both of us…

I wasn't cold anymore, even though the arms that held me were ones that controlled ice; I wasn't alone anymore, and even if I felt lonely I knew he could always clear my mind off of anything and everything, bringing peace to one more other… hunger.

It wasn't supposed to be a one time thing, but I find it hard to believe either of us thought it'd last this long… or rather, that it'd last, period.

I guess that one time thing was one time too many. But…

One whole year…

We come and we go but we always end up back in the same bed, back in the same arms, the same routine…

I know it's good for me, I really do.

That doesn't mean I gave up trying to figure out why it's bad, though.

–

**H**

–

He's so fucking beautiful the way he is now, bathed in the light of the stars he loves so much.

He always looks up at them, letting all of his emotions show.

He's not wearing a damned thing but I don't think he looked that naked and exposed a mere minute ago.

To be honest, I never thought he'd seriously look at me. Ever. But he did, I guess. And he did a lot more than just looking too.

And a lot less, in a way, depends on your perspective.

That first time? Mutual. Too mutual, actually, it almost seems surreal. It just seemed so right, so… needed… I don't think we considered anything save for how the other'd feel… how he'd feel when we'd touch, when we'd kiss, when we'd…

When we'd break all the rules we placed without saying a single word, all those years we've known each other before.

One rule, however, remained. Or rather, was formed, on that night, almost exactly a year ago.

It didn't matter what we did, it didn't matter too much what we said. We just had to keep doing things that same old way. Thinking too much, getting too attached… in other words, giving it all meaning… was the worst thing we could've done.

I guess that's why, even though he keeps looking at me, it's like I'm air, and I…

I never asked him for anything else.

Because even though we officially don't care… even though officially, to each other, we're nothing but pieces of warm flesh…

It doesn't mean we're ready to give up on this.

Not by a long shot.

But if I dared say even that…

–

**R**

–

I know he's up and looking at me, and I can only blame myself for it. The only contact we've ever shared was… different. Having both of us reach out to each other like we did, so gently… I have to say it was odd. It felt… wrong, even. Like we both wanted something else, something we both know isn't there, but because of a mutual mistake we created the illusion of its existence.

It makes me wonder, really. Back then, it was mutual too. Was that a mistake also? Could we have both searched for something, and we just kept lying to each other that we finally found it? Kept lying to ourselves?

He wants more, I suddenly realize with an uncanny air of dread. He wants more than this… and maybe… just maybe… I…

No… No! I scream internally and grip the balcony's railing until my knuckles turn white.

My blood is that of those who hate, those who pursue death and vengeance.

Mine is the blood who seeks revenge and paints all he sees red with the blood of his enemies.

More than this…

I can't… I can't give it to you, you know that, you idiot! This past year, night after night my soul was exposed to you in its purest form, and you still don't know even that much!

… I guess not.

After all, that was one of our three rules.

Never ask.

Never answer.

And above all, never say that word.

It's pathetic, really… I can't even think it…

And as though to mock me farther, you just had to wake up and wrap your arms around me, didn't you, you idiot?

I allow myself to half relax as I feel his icy warmth once again fill my being, and I dread what he is about to say.

No, don't ask. I won't answer. You won't break the rules…

Will you? HoroHoro?

–

**H**

–

The moment he clenched the railing was the moment I lost control of my body and it began moving on its own. The bed was cold without him in it anyway, I excused it to what little logic I had when it came to dealing with him, and went to follow him outside. He must've had a lot on his mind because he didn't even acknowledge me as I stepped out. All of a sudden he seemed so miserable, so lost and alone and vulnerable… just like that night that began it all, close to a year ago.

Ne, look up… look up at the stars you love so much. Look at them and let me see you in your most beautiful form once again. I'm tired of seeing shadows of you. Is that why you refuse to look at me? Do your eyes look through me because you're scared of what you might see? Scared of what I'd really look like should you just stop for a moment… to really take a good look?

Well, figures you're that selfish. You never did take my feelings into consideration, now did you? A-ta, but I guess that was part of the rules, wasn't it? Baka…

How ironic that I'd find you like this so close to our anniversary, huh?

Your body is cold as I wrap my arms around you, not tight enough to make you panic and low enough so that you won't have too many ways to interpret it. You seem disturbed enough as it is without me seemingly demanding more… or is that what's gotten to you? I can't really place blame for that on either of us, can I? Or should I say… we're both to blame, eh?

I know you're scared. Terrified, even. But I'm content, you know? This is fine.

You're not one to do this, act like this… and I'm not one to need this.

If you're that scared of a little contact… I'd rather die not knowing than break our rules and lose you. Or is thinking that on its own breaking that rule, huh?

Night after night you saw me like no one else ever had. You should know the answer.

What's it gonna be, Ren?

–

–

"Go back to sleep, idiot."

"Ho? And leave you here freezing like this?"

"I'm fine, you don't have to worry about me."

–

**H**

–

That again, huh, Ren? Mr. Tough Guy, Mr. I'll-die-alone-and-none-can-stop-me-buahahahaha. But I guess it's ok like this, I think and smile as I retract my arms and head back, stopping at the door way. I'm not gonna let you do that, and we both know I'm stubborn enough to make it through. But ain't no way I'll ever tell you that.

–

–

"You'll catch a cold if you stay out here too long."

–

**R**

–

Only he can make such a comment sound so carefree and detached. I bark at the part of me that resents him for it. It's better this way that he sounds like he doesn't care. Maybe then he really wouldn't… and then, we won't have to… But… maybe… if he were different… if I was different… then… maybe…

"Ren?"

I suppress the shiver his voice sends through my body and I follow.

"Yeah, yeah… coming…"

I ignore his smile on my way through… because… I don't know how to respond to it. What kind of response he's expecting. What kind of response I should give. Because… it's my fault. But he still smiles down at me. That idiot.

–

**H/R**

–

Neither of us can afford to admit anything.

We just don't live in that kind of a perfect world. So we both pretend we're blind, deaf and stupid, and just show rather than say.

I'm ok with this, really. Because if it's like this…

"Ne, Ren…"

This way…

"Mm?"

"I gotta go back home tomorrow."

"Sou…"

This way, I absolutely won't be surprised or hurt when I'll wake up that one certain morning... That one morning which will surely come…

"Make love to me one more time before I go?"

…And realize…

"Don't expect me to be gentle."

"You never are."

"Ainu Baka."

… that you're not there anymore.

And I'm content, knowing those are the last words I'd have said to you.

-Owari-


End file.
